


If he said no

by your_friendly_neighbourhood_trashcan



Category: I'll Give You the Sun - Jandy Nelson
Genre: M/M, Noah is bad with people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_friendly_neighbourhood_trashcan/pseuds/your_friendly_neighbourhood_trashcan
Summary: I legit wrote this for English class if anyone reads it I might screambasically what would have happened if Noah had said no to Brian going into the closet with Jude. Its a super short pretty gay fic I was gonna write more romance stuff but I had to submit this to a teacher so no.
Relationships: Brian Connelly/Noah Sweetwine
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	If he said no

I’m mid-exhale when I see Brian being exported into the closet, not by Courtney, but my sister, my sister?  
I blink.  
He’s still being dragged by her into the closet, I blink. I blink again and again it still isn’t working. Closer and closer to the closet.   
Everything they could do.   
Everything I did.  
Would he pretend it was me?  
Or would he want it to be Jude?   
I need to run I need to get out of here what are all these people doing here laughing and yelling don’t they feel the world getting smaller. (Self Portrait: A boy as the world closes in).   
I need to say no.   
My whole body is shouting it.   
No.  
No.  
No.  
No.  
I feel my body get up by itself. I’m begging it to sit down, everyone’s staring at me everyone sees. They know. My one chance to get rid of it, to get rid of bubbles is gone, they are all starting at me Brian’s staring at me. Brian. I can’t tell what he’s thinking I don’t care I do care. I need to leave.   
I run. 

It’s cold outside, I didn’t even have my jacket on me why didn’t I at least grab my jacket as I left. Do I even think about it? Do I even want to think about it? I tuck my knees in closer, ignoring how uncomfortable it is to sit on a tree root, the trees are nice out here, everything’s nice when I’m not involved.   
“Should’ve guessed you’d be out here.” God, I felt my heart jump out of my chest.   
Brian. I didn’t know how much you could want to talk to someone and not want to talk to them at the same time.   
“You gave us all a bit of a fright back there, even Jude looked a bit guilty,” he said as he sat down next to me.   
He was sitting so far away from me; I could tell he was walking on eggshells around me.   
“I’m sorry for that, for getting you to come with me, for the party for the game for Jude for everything really.” I feel him inch towards me.   
“I care about you I really do Noah,” he breathes in. “If you want to, we can just stay out here and search for meteorites? We are sitting shoulder to shoulder now.   
I can’t take this I can’t do it not after I kissed him in the closet, well kissed Heather in the closet but it was him. After Jude wanted to kiss him in the closet after we were so close, I want him I need him. Closer, closer, closer it’s all my mind is telling me.   
I fall.   
I feel my mind falling my heart falling. My head falling onto his shoulder, I feel his arm falling around me no no no no no no no. yes? It’s wrong its right why did I say it’s wrong why now am I letting other people’s thoughts get into my head what happened to the rest of the world doesn’t matter to Noah. Was I beginning to change?

“You kissed her,” he didn’t sound hurt. I know he was.   
A soft “No,” was all I could say. All I could get out.   
He looked at me confused.   
I breathe in deeply. “I kissed you, my mind was kissing you.”

We sat like that for hours, his arm over me wrapped around my waist, the silence was somehow comforting and somehow terrifying, He walked me home.   
“You know,” he started as we neared my house.” There are better ways to kiss me than in your mind.”  
I want to. I need to. I’m still looking down at the ground, I try to pull my eyes up but they stay still. I know what I’ve done, I knew what I did right after I left the house. Everyone knows everyone will know everyone already knows about me but, Brian. He was so good at “I’ve ruined you, we both know it.”   
I feel him stop walking, as if he’s choosing his words too carefully.   
“They don’t go to my school, no one here does. Yeah, I might be dead when i get back don’t think I’m not scared shitless. That’s tomorrow me’s problem and right now, I just want you. Is that wrong? I don’t know it might be but it’s true.”  
I need to respond I know that, I want to I need to tell him why am I acting like this why can’t I just speak. I try one thing I can do though; I reach out to him and grab his hand. He grabs it back, that’s a good sign, right? 

None of the lights are back on at the house, Jude isn’t home yet, I don’t know what to do what the right thing to do is. But, I do know what I want to do. I won’t let him leave, not like this in the morning this may have never happened, I can’t let this fall away. 

(Self portrait: A boy finds the answers to the universe in another’s palm)


End file.
